Two days ago, I ran across a Tweet from my pals at @Winescom alerting me of a Guest Blogger they had on tap for the following day.
The blog title entry: “How to Make Love to Your Wine.”
With much anticipation, I waited for the next day’s entry to appear. And, with much disappointment, was through with my new pal from @BrokeWino’s entry in less than a minute. I thought, “With a title like that, how could you really mess something up that had given its readers that much set up?” I’m a sucker for titles, words and/or slogans that evoke anything fun that can be read about wine. As a Sommelier, I spend my days and nites often reading things that are NOT as exciting, more factual, historical or educational – so when the opportunity arises to read something juicy from my field– I’m on it. I am, at the same time, a true Mid-Westerner, which flaws me into the role of never being able to keep my mouth shut. Therefore, I commented on the guts of the story and, long story short, was challenged into to this #Blog-Off after telling @Winescom that their ‘guest blogger’ (in so many Twitter words) = stunk.
Could I write a better “How to Make Love…” – well, I’ll give it a shot. Did I mention I was an English major?
The question is: How to Make Love? Hmmm. Birds do it. Bees do it. But, when it comes to humans, we do it best. It becomes an act of emotion, intimacy and sometimes some raw inhibition. When making love to one’s wine, we must analyze our subject from head to toe just as we would as animals, in order to truly appreciate the experience.
1. Survey Your Lover
Is she lite in color, dark in her loins or is she showing some sense of maturity?
Roll the glass around the inside of its rim in a slow round motion. Gentle. You don’t want to hurt the baby…
You know what you are? You’re like a big bear with claws and with fangs…
…big f* teeth, man.
Yeah… big f* teeth on ya’. And she’s just like this little bunny, who’s just kinda cowering in the corner.
Does she spread her legs long and slow across the inside of the glass? Maybe that means she’s hot… Hot-blooded, check it and see! Does she spend her days sipping piña coladas poolside? Does the perspiration that drips slowly down the insides of her perfectly tanned legs tell you so?
Or is she a bit uptight? A librarian in disguise? Quick to run the inside of your glass, lite in color from spending her days pent up inside a cool, earthy library. Maybe she needs some decanting?
Or does her color vary from the guts of her being to her outside edges? She could be telling you she has some experience – look out, could be good, or could be real bad.
2. Smell Her Up
Grab hold of your glass and give her a full examination on the nose. Get deep. The only way you’ll truly be able to tell more is if you really get into this part. Close your eyes, open your mind and think deeply about what you smell?
Is she hot and dripping with Malibu sun tan lotion? Could mean she loves wood (That’s what she said!) Did her time at the pool give her a dark tanned voluptuous smell, dripping with ripe, juicy aromas? This may give way to her hot climated background.
Or does she still have those librarian glasses on? Buttoned up tight, but screaming to show you more of her dirty inside. Does she smell like the inside of a dirty old library? Has she spent too much time in a cool climate expanding her ‘rooted’ mind? This one could use a fun ‘splash’ decant to open up her cool climated insides. Maybe a slow, easy talking to while you slide her softly into her new decanter will help.
3. Here’s your chance to let it all hang out – Taste your Lover
Just when no one is watching, open wide, take your wine to your lips, slightly pursed, suck in a bit of air to loosen the palate and imagine all the smells you just experienced.
Is your poolside beauty ready to party?
Hot and sultry? Or, maybe a little promiscuous and fat through the center of your tongue? When she slides down your throat, do feel the flames of her loins lighting you up when she reaches your insides? Is her hedonism is all you think about?
Could be this lover comes from a hot climate and is just what the doctor ordered…
Or, after a quick splash in the tub (decanter), is your librarian ready to give you her all? Does her dirty, bookworm side come forth and unleash her passionate side? Buttoned tight on the outside, but dirty on the inside. Maybe a little bit filthy, but full of pleasure, long in her length, begging your palate to ‘drink me’ and ‘feed me’? Our little librarian may have just needed some space to free her mind. Could be that you have a cool climated beauty that is not as quick to reveal her dark side until you give her a bit of your time.
Either way – your experience is your own. And, your playmate for drinking is your own, too.
Revealing facts – but all come pretty close to truly being able to tell who’s dirty and who’s just downright promiscuous when analyzing your subject. Which one is your favorite? That’s for you to decide – and if you decide you like ‘em both, that’s the beauty about wine – You can have your wine and drink it too!
See? Making Love to your Wine can be fun and arousing too!
And, if you’re having a hard time getting it down, just have a couple more glasses and follow Step 1-3 again. Salut!